Heal The Root, So The Tree Is Stable

Fisayo Fawehinmi on people pleasing and the journey towards self-love.

“Heal the root so the tree is stable.” – Reclaiming my time as a recovering people pleaser.

“People pleasing is inherently selfish because it’s all about how the other person feels about you.” – My therapist, circa 2024.

A narrative exists that people pleasers are selfless people who simply struggle to put themselves first because of their big hearts. This is a narrative I adopted before my therapist shattered my warped understanding of people pleasing. I never classified myself as a fully fledged people pleaser, but I accepted that I had the tendencies. This was far from the truth, and I now consider myself a “recovering people pleaser”. Putting others first is selfless and compassionate, so I never viewed people pleasing as selfish in any capacity. As nauseating as it is to accept, I have been forced to examine the why, when, and how of it, to heal.

In short, I recognise that my inclination to prioritise other people's needs over my own, stems from a fearful and anxious mindset, which causes me to ruminate more than necessary. My recent therapy sessions have led me to confront the fact that I am utterly useless at looking after myself (this is a work in progress).

My 20’s were filled with striving, struggling, and contorting myself into various shapes for everyone but myself. I’m mortified that the recipients of my total lack of self-compassion have been men (shudders). Although many undeserving men have reaped the benefit of perpetual striving to serve others, my issues are beyond them. This is certainly a people issue that transcends my interactions with the opposite sex.

I have some understanding of "the why" but it is something I will continue to unravel as I interrogate my past. It is undoubtedly that my childhood played its role, as most adult issues flow from childhood. For me, however, the most pressing concern is being able to recognise when I am neglecting or overextending myself to my detriment. It is widely accepted that reciprocity is the cornerstone of healthy friendships. However, it need not be conducted in a rigid manner, which makes friendships feel transactional or one-sided.

The challenge of adult friendships is finding the balance between being a loving and present friend and also having sufficient time to serve oneself. It can be challenging to balance competing interests and responsibilities. Despite this, I never struggled to shelve my own needs to be the friend who could not say no. I would remain in a perpetual cycle of pouring in all I had and having nothing left in the tank for myself. To many, this may seem strange, but back then, it was all I knew. I believe that having played a similar role within my family, it naturally became my modus operandi.

Now that I am in my 30’s, I have gained a renewed understanding of self-love, which has prompted my desire to heal the "root". Healing the root may look differently to others, but right now, my root is being comfortable in saying no and being okay with not being liked. This sounds simplistic, but many people pleasers are so uncomfortable with being disliked they do everything they can to avoid this feeling.

In my recovery, I aim to avoid striving and pursuing, and I no longer view healing as a destination. For me, healing means showing up for myself every day and being content with what I have to offer. This level of self-acceptance is certainly a daily struggle, but an important one.

I often refer to this quote, “I owe it to myself to be consistent and disciplined”, as a reminder that change does not occur overnight but through courage and persistence.

Until next time,

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